It's not them, It's you

I’ve just spent the past week sitting in the biggest cesspool of anger, rage and fury over a situation that has occurred in my life. I’m not even sure I’ve ever felt this consistently “outraged” over something I had zero control over.

And guess what all that unprocessed anger has done for me? It’s caused migraines, sleepless nights, overthinking, anxiety, you name it - I’ve felt it. A non-stop cyclical shit storm of emotions that I couldn’t seem to get away from no matter how far I tried to run.

I so badly wanted to keep raging at the situation. I so badly want to vent to anyone who would listen about the injustice. I so badly wanted to direct my anger towards someone - or something external - and I so badly felt entitled to do so.

But guess what, here is what I’ve learnt about my week full of rage. I’m entitled to feel it but I’m also 100% accountable for it.

Basically it’s not them, it’s me.

And what I mean by that is everything in our lives is here to help us, and any trigger we feel is here to shine a light on the parts of us that still need healing.

We don’t get triggered without reason, there are messages within each trigger and if we don’t get it the first time they will only get louder.

So I finally stopped.

Finally.

After a week of clinging to external distractions that only perpetuated over analysing the situation, the only place left to go was my heart.

So I sat down.

I put on some calming music.

And I finally listened.

The rage told a story, it took me back to all the times in my life that I had felt it before. It showed me all the ways in which I had been hurt, let down, betrayed - unloved. Beneath the rage lay sadness, beneath the sadness lay unworthiness and beneath the unworthiness lay conditional love.

Not unconditional.

Not enough.

I was never enough.

With this realisation came the understanding that it’s my responsibly to give myself that unconditional love, not anyone else’s. People don’t owe us their love despite the fact that we seem to chase them for it, but if we give it to ourselves that’s when the rest of the world will too, but until then, it will only mirror all the ways in which we don’t.

That trigger was a gift. That rage was a gift. And now that heavy weight has finally lifted I can breathe again. I am me again.

It doesn’t mean I’ll never feel that rage again, it just means next time I won’t have to sit on my self-indulgent victim mentality merry-go-round for weeks on end riding out migraine after migraine until I slowly go insane.

I can just locate the past hurt, heal it and step off.

So if something is triggering you this mercury retrograde, instead of reacting outwardly like I did - sit with it first, trace it back to it’s origin. When was the first time you felt this emotion? Because chances are it’s a repeated pattern, chances are it has nothing to do with the actual person / situation, chances are it’s not even that one emotion, it’s hiding way more than you realise.

Triggers only show up to help us lighten the load we don’t realise we’re carrying, so don’t react outwardly until you’ve checked inwardly - then and only then will you have a chance to let go of what truly lies beneath.

Until next time,

Lucinda

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